Lately I’ve been pondering the reasons for our actions.  Does everything we do / say have a reason?

They say children behave in certain ways because they want attention, so I thought maybe it’s the same way with us adults.  After all, we’re just grown up kids.

So I’ve been trying to “notice” what’s behind my behavior, what’s behind my every move.  For a week I made an effort to ask myself: “What is the purpose of what I’m about to say (or do)?” before I said or did it.

At first, I told myself I was “adding to the conversation” or “clarifying something” but the more I asked myself my real purpose for what I was going the more I realized that I needed validation.  I needed someone to agree with me.  I needed a pat on the back, a “good job”, so to speak.  I needed someone to pay attention to me!

Another interesting thing happened:  I realized that perhaps attention wasn’t that important, and I would just stay quiet and listen more.  I became more observant.  I said less hurtful things.

Many times I think we act on automatic, especially when someone in our family “pushes our buttons”.  It’s like we’re a machine trained to react a certain way.  For me, you’ll get this reaction if you “tell” me what to do instead of “asking” me to do something.  You’ll see a rare nasty side of me!

But on the day of this experiment, I was able to pause long enough to see myself falling into that trap.  I actually noticed myself hearing the person “tell” me what to do, and in my brain, before I reacted,  I actually replaced it and imagined them “asking” instead.  And I was able to avoid a confrontation.

The other day I was in the bedroom talking to my boyfriend who was in the kitchen.  Since we were in different rooms, with tvs blaring, and other noise interfering, he couldn’t hear what I was saying, which was annoying me.  And I was yelling!  After many times of asking me “What?” and me repeating myself, he finally walked into the room and asked one final time “What are you trying to tell me?”

It was at this moment that I realized that what I had been trying to tell him had no importance at all.  A lot of trouble for nothing!  A feeling of relief, embarrassment and laughter came to me.  My answer : “Nothing, darling.  I just needed attention!” 

We laughed.

Remember the song “If you like Pina Colada…”?  It’s about a man who answers a personal ad just to find out the ad he answered was from his own partner! He just never knew certain things about her! I recently heard that song again and it got me thinking:  Why does this happen?  What can be done about it? Sometimes we get so used to one other that we forget the initial spark that started it all. We get caught in a rut and assume that’s the way it will be from now on. Why don’t we try to keep the relationship growing, by learning more about who the other person is, and risk losing the other person without ever finding out if they were still the one for you?

I’ve pondered many times how to not get caught in a rut.  I’ve had lengthy talks with my girlfriends about it, family and friends who have been married a long time, thought about it, talked about it, and even tried to do something about it. Perhaps by sharing my thoughts with you we could come up with innovative ways!

Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on your point of view) I’m a long-term relationship kind of person.  My boyfriend in college lasted five years, I was married for seven, and my current relationship is now over five years old.  And no matter what anyone thinks, it’s really, really hard not to get in a rut.

So this is what I’ve got so far. Feel free to add your comments!

1)  Don’t take your couple for granted.  We can’t help it if they take us for granted, since we can’t change anyone, but we can control our own actions and what we think.  So start by realizing what your preconceived notions are about your partner.  What do you ABSOLUTELY KNOW to be true about that person?  Have you ever considered it might not be all that true, that you’re making it be that way?   They might have changed. Have you allowed them to change? to grow? How about looking at the person in a different light, by pretending you’re not sure about anything about that person. You might be surprised what results.

2)  Don’t become an extension of the other person, to the point that you lose yourself.  Find your own excitement! Sometimes when you’re in a long-term relationship, you get used to routines and doing certain things, and your own dreams and aspirations are left for another day.  Instead, go ahead and put into action some of the things you’ve always wanted to do, whether they include your partner or not.  Learn how to sing, skydive, learn a new instrument, language, take up a sport, etc.  Who knows, you might inspire them to do it with you or learn about a passion of theirs that you share, which will surprise both of you and bring you closer.

3)  Communicate.  Everyone talks about the importance of communication, but it’s definitely not easy to manage.  If you feel that you’re in a rut, most probably your partner is feeling the same way and either has not told you or hasn’t realized it, or doesn’t know how to tell you.  By communicating your feelings, and realizing that nothing’s wrong with them, you can come up with solutions together that might surprise both of you.

4)  Listen to your partner.  They might be giving you ‘clues’. Perhaps we can sacrifice a weekend of shopping and go to the game with them…? Small price to pay!

5)  Don’t act insane! - You’ve heard a definition of insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. So go ahead and analyze how you’ve been behaving in the relationship and do something different! If you’re the “clinging” type, give your partner some “space”. If you’re the aloof one, how about giving your partner some extra attention? What happens when your “hot buttons” are pressed, how do you you react? What do you gain from your reaction? Is there a different reaction that could give you a different result?

As you can see, this barely scratches the surface of the complications of human relationships, but it’s a start. I’m going home to experiment with some of these and see what happens! My pina colada is waiting!!