Remember the song “If you like Pina Colada…”? It’s about a man who answers a personal ad just to find out the ad he answered was from his own partner! He just never knew certain things about her! I recently heard that song again and it got me thinking: Why does this happen? What can be done about it? Sometimes we get so used to one other that we forget the initial spark that started it all. We get caught in a rut and assume that’s the way it will be from now on. Why don’t we try to keep the relationship growing, by learning more about who the other person is, and risk losing the other person without ever finding out if they were still the one for you?
I’ve pondered many times how to not get caught in a rut. I’ve had lengthy talks with my girlfriends about it, family and friends who have been married a long time, thought about it, talked about it, and even tried to do something about it. Perhaps by sharing my thoughts with you we could come up with innovative ways!
Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on your point of view) I’m a long-term relationship kind of person. My boyfriend in college lasted five years, I was married for seven, and my current relationship is now over five years old. And no matter what anyone thinks, it’s really, really hard not to get in a rut.
So this is what I’ve got so far. Feel free to add your comments!
1) Don’t take your couple for granted. We can’t help it if they take us for granted, since we can’t change anyone, but we can control our own actions and what we think. So start by realizing what your preconceived notions are about your partner. What do you ABSOLUTELY KNOW to be true about that person? Have you ever considered it might not be all that true, that you’re making it be that way? They might have changed. Have you allowed them to change? to grow? How about looking at the person in a different light, by pretending you’re not sure about anything about that person. You might be surprised what results.
2) Don’t become an extension of the other person, to the point that you lose yourself. Find your own excitement! Sometimes when you’re in a long-term relationship, you get used to routines and doing certain things, and your own dreams and aspirations are left for another day. Instead, go ahead and put into action some of the things you’ve always wanted to do, whether they include your partner or not. Learn how to sing, skydive, learn a new instrument, language, take up a sport, etc. Who knows, you might inspire them to do it with you or learn about a passion of theirs that you share, which will surprise both of you and bring you closer.
3) Communicate. Everyone talks about the importance of communication, but it’s definitely not easy to manage. If you feel that you’re in a rut, most probably your partner is feeling the same way and either has not told you or hasn’t realized it, or doesn’t know how to tell you. By communicating your feelings, and realizing that nothing’s wrong with them, you can come up with solutions together that might surprise both of you.
4) Listen to your partner. They might be giving you ‘clues’. Perhaps we can sacrifice a weekend of shopping and go to the game with them…? Small price to pay!
5) Don’t act insane! - You’ve heard a definition of insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. So go ahead and analyze how you’ve been behaving in the relationship and do something different! If you’re the “clinging” type, give your partner some “space”. If you’re the aloof one, how about giving your partner some extra attention? What happens when your “hot buttons” are pressed, how do you you react? What do you gain from your reaction? Is there a different reaction that could give you a different result?
As you can see, this barely scratches the surface of the complications of human relationships, but it’s a start. I’m going home to experiment with some of these and see what happens! My pina colada is waiting!! 